40 Tommy Cooper One Liners Jokes That Will Remind You of His Comedy

Tommy Cooper One Liners Jokes: Thomas Frederick Cooper was a British prop comedian and magician. He habitually wore a red colored phase and his form was large and shivering, 6 feet 4 inches and weighing more than 15 stones. Tommy Cooper Death Cooper died of a heart attack on television on 15 April 1984. Tommy Cooper One Liners Jokes tommy cooper sketches Tommy Cooper Jokes

Tommy Cooper One Liners Jokes That Will Remind You of His Comedy

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Tommy Cooper One Liners Jokes

Tommy Cooper One Liners Jokes

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.'  The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.

Tommy Cooper Jokes

One day a waiter fell sick and was rushed to hospital.

He was lying on the table in great pain.

When a doctor passed

by the waiter said: “Hey doctor, could you do something for my pain?”

The doctor said: “I’m sorry this isn’t my table.”

I said to the waiter: “There is no chicken in this chicken soup.”

He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”

I said: “How long will my spaghetti be?”

The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”

I met my wife at a dance.

I thought she was at home with the kids.

Tommy Cooper Jokes

My wife dislocated her jaw and couldn’t talk

so I phoned the doctor and told him to drop round anytime,

in a few weeks or a few months.

My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her.

I hid her teeth.

The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Slept like a log last night ........ woke up in the fireplace.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

Tommy Cooper One Liners

Tommy Cooper One Liners Jokes 

Two blondes walked into a building. You'd have thought one would have seen it.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

"Cos it's strange, isn't it.
You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.
' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.
' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?
' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

Tommy Cooper One Liners Jokes

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came
up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle
like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house
and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I
need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes,
he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two
school bags, he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load
of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there
were no salivas.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and
a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well
the other day there was a fire at the factory that
makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of
people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK
then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa",
I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

Tommy Cooper  Jokes

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want
to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",
he said "Those are pickled onions".