Latest Football Jokes With Funny Images

Football Jokes, Football Insults and Comebacks


A guy pulls alongside a small boy on the pavement,
‘I’ll give you some sweets if you get in the car.’
‘No, leave me alone,’ the boy replies.
‘Come on, I’ll take you for ice cream later as well,’ he insists.
The boy suddenly stops and turns to the man and says,
Fuck off Dad, I’m not going to White Hart Lane again no matter what you say.’




The little boy replied" I would like to live with Southampton FC, because they don't beat anyone!!"




Apparantly, Blackburn football club is under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion.



Three old football fans are in a church praying for their teams.
The first one asks, “Oh Lord when will Manchester City stop buying the refs?”
God Replies, “In the next five years.”
“But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man.
The second one asks, “Oh Lord, when will Manchester United stop buying the refs?”
The Good Lord – answers, “In the next ten years.”
“But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man.
The third one asks, “Oh Lord when will Barcelona stop buying the refs?”.
God answers, “I’ll be dead by then!”




A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

Football Jokes

The Rangers fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"




He hands the bottle to the Celtic fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rangers fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"




My missus just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.
I’m a bit gutted about it; we’d been going out for 3 seasons.




BREAKING NEWS: Emile Heskey just went on a large shooting spree in Birmingham…
No-one was hit.




David Beckham has snubbed a move to Paris St. Germain: “German is a hard language to learn and I want to finish trying to learn American.”




Man United have rested Wayne Rooney, Robin van Persie and Howard Webb for next week’s game against Swansea.



I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. “I want to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that.”
“Fine,” I said, “I want to die when liverpool win the premier league.”
“You crafty ****!” said the fairy.

Football Jokes

Sir Alex Ferguson is curious how Arsène Wenger’s team went on such a magnificent unbeaten run, so he decides on a visit to Arsenal’s training ground to see how Wenger trains his players.

After one day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so he asks Wenger how he gets his players so sharp. “Well, it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally”. Of course Fergie wants an example, so Wenger asks Thierry Henry to come over. He asks: “Henry, he is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son. Who is he?” “That is not difficult,” Henry answers immediately, “Of course that is me.” “You see? That’s the way you keep them sharp,” Wenger says to Ferguson.

Fergie, who wants to be the next “Invincibles”, decides to bring this into his training the next day. He calls Ruud van Nistlerooy over. “Ruud, I have a question for you,” he says, “He is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son, who is he?” “My God, Ferguson,” is van Nistlerooy’s reply, “That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on that for one night?” Ferguson agrees with the one-night postponement.

So that night RvN decides to call Jaap Stam. He has been at Manchester United, so maybe he knows something about these questions. “Jaap Stam, maybe you know the answer to this question: he is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son. Who is he?” “That is easy, that is me!” says Stam.
So the next day RvN walks full of confidence to Fergie. Fergie asks: “Ruud, do you know the answer to my question now?” “Yes it was actually very easy,” he says, “Is it Jaap Stam?”
Ferguson answers, “No of course not you stupid bastard. It’s Thierry Henry.”



"Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....




After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

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